K, today's a boring day, haha. If your here reading this, then I bet you are bored too. LOL. OH YEA, I've been to blogskins.com and I found some super funny jokes, since your here, I shall provide you some entertainment, muahahs. It's really funny, some made me laugh for more than 5 mins LOL.

#1 First joke.

When we were under the Japanese, three guys - Ah Beng, Ah Seng, Ah Meng - were under arrest by the Japanese for refusing to singing the Japanese anthem. They were sentenced to death on a firing squad (where criminals are shot dead on platform as a punishment).

The trio didn't want to die and started brainstorming about how to escape from the punishment, while they were detained in prison. Ah Beng thought of an ingenious idea when he realized the Japanese soldiers were afraid of natural disasters... so... on the day of their sentence, Ah Seng was first to go into the firing squad.

The soldiers shouted, "Ichi, ni..." ( "1, 2" ) Before they were about to shout three, Ah Seng yelled, "Tsunami! Tsunami!" The soldiers panicked and let Ah Seng slip.

Ah Beng grinned at the success of his plot and reassured Ah Meng about it as he went in. The soldiers shouted, "Ichi, ni..." "Tornado! Tornado!" Again they let Ah Meng slip.

It was Ah Beng's turn. Ah Beng reassured himself about how his ingenious plot would work well if he could be alert to interrupt the soldiers just after two. "Ichi..." Ah Beng thought, "Timing, timing is important..." "Ni..." "FIRE! FIRE!"

-

ROFL!~ get it? Firing squad, he shouted FIRE then the soldiers FIRE their guns la! I heard this one before but its funny reading it again.

#2 Second joke.

During the Japanese War, there were three children left in a small hut - Ah Beng, Ah Seng and Ah Meng. One day they heard the Japanese breaking into their house to raid for the remaining people, so they quickly hid.

Ah Beng hid with the horse. Ah Seng hid with the pig. Ah Meng quickly hid in the potato sacks.

When the army entered, and passed by the stable, Ah Beng neighed, and the Japanese, thinking that the horse was alone, walked past without noticing. Ah Seng, seeing Ah Beng doing it, oinked when the Japanese walked past, he was also left undiscovered.

Ah Meng, not sure what sounds potato made, quickly said, "Potato, potato, potato!" when the Japanese walked past.

-

LOL!!!!!!! Wth! Potato potato HAHAHAHA.

#3 Third joke.

One fine day, Mee Kia and Tau Sar Pau got into a heated argument. Tau Sar Pau was very buaysong, so he told Mee Kia, "You watch out! I jio my pau gang hamtam you!"

Another fine day, Tau Sar Pau called up his gang - Leng Yong Pau, Char Siew Pau, Teriyaki Chicken Pau, Black Pepper Chicken Pau, Vegetable Pau, and all other Paus... - and starting hunting for Mee Kia. However, when the Pau gang met Maggee Mee, the gang beat Maggee Mee up until he was crushed into pieces like Mamee.

Innocent Maggee Mee asked the Pau gang why the latter beat the former up.

Tau Sar Pau said, "DON'T THINK YOU PERM YOUR HAIR I DON'T RECOGNIZE YOU HOR!"

-

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

#4 Fourth jokee.

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."

Mommy tells him to slow down cos she wants to hear the story in detail.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

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ROFL!!!!!!!! Mom slaps her own face then.. HAHAHAH. Get it? Means when his Dad was at the Army, his mom did the same to another guy.

#5 Fifth joke.

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he’s ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn’t sleep that night.

He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk.” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk.”

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. “In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception.”

The monks reply, “Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is beyond that door.” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is apprehensive to no end. His life’s wish is behind that door!

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound…

But, of course, I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

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LMAO! HAHA. I read this and was thinking, gosh! Read so long then got this kinda ending -,-

#6 Sixth joke! (warning, kinda long though)

Once there lived a Chinese man named Ah Beng. He was often bullied by having all the work pushed to him by his colleages, making him work OT often... So he would work on all the crap until the clock strikes midnight, when he would perfunctorily lock the office before leaving for home.

On the first second of July 19, 2008, Ah Beng strode over the rough path that led to the nearest bus stop. It was a shortcut path that Ah Beng has been taking for years. Although the shortcut path penetrated a dense and spooky forest, he had no choice but this path to take in order to not miss the last bus. The surrounding forest was unfailingly freezing and cool everytime he walks past it, but he cared about nothing but the bus.

As Ah Beng saw the streak of light from the streetlights, he ran over to the bus stop to secure any possible bus that would come in the nick of time. Just a few seconds later, the last bus arrived. He boarded the double-decker bus, greeted the driver who he's meeting for years without failure, and walked up the stairs.

BUT...

He heard a breathy feminine voice from the lower deck as he was stepping on the first stair.

"年轻人~ 不可以上去~ 上面危险~~~"
"Young man... cannot go up... upstairs dangerous..."

Ah Beng turned back to see the owner of that uncomfortable voice... and was astonished to see an old lady with pale skin, wearing a white dress, and having lengthy thick strips of white hair. She took after, fully, a pontianak.

Ah Beng assumed that the upper deck was haunted. But which sane guy would choose to sit around such a frightening lady?! And wait, he hasn't even seen her before for the past few years. Why did she suddenly pop up that day?! He was plunged into a deep abyss of confusion and bewilderment... Although he was seated in front of the lady, he could vividly feel two streaks of light attacking him from his back. He turned back briefly and saw the lady glancing at him... Oh no... Yet, Ah Beng safely alighted and went back home...

The next day yet again Ah Beng took the shortcut path, but the coolness of the forest then was piercing through his bones... Why was it so exceptionally cold that day... Was that lady's soul following him through the path?? Gusts of wind blew him strong as if they were warning him to run asap to the bus stop... The bus came in the nick of time - he met the same driver again in the same double decker bus and WTH - THE SAME LADY TOO!

Ah Beng was deeply traumatized and was about to run off the upper deck, but this time, the old lady leapt over to him to grab a taut hold of his wrist, with an astonishing speed for a senior citizen like her...

She whispered in her old breathy voice, “年轻人~ 不可以上去~ 上面危险~~~" "Young man... cannot go up... upstairs dangerous..."

Ah Beng felt ashamed to be both physically and MENTALLY dominated by her. He wanted to curse her but couldn't. He felt his tongue was tied by an unknown force... Again he had to endure sitting near her, with her eyes fixated on him. Ah Beng didn't have to see those eyes to affirm that fact, he knew and he could feel those eyes. Yet, he managed to alight safely and go back home safely

The next day...

Ah Beng chose to ignore all the work that was pushed to him and left a quarter before the strike so he could take the normal path. The bus arrived, but shockingly, it was the same driver at 11.50 PM.

Before Ah Beng could speak, the driver said “哇阿明！今天你走运了啦！这是今天最后一趟巴士咧！本来还担心你不会早来等巴士。谁知道你真的早来，我们真是有缘啊！”
"Wah Ah Beng! Today you lucky la! This is the last bus for today leh! I scared you won't come early to wait bus, but you really come early sia, we really got affinity leh!"

Yes... Affinity... Seems like Ah Beng was gonna have the affinity with that old lady too... Indeed.

Ah Beng took no look at the old lady, shirked off her arm, and chose to, with all his might, sit at the upper deck. There was no danger or ghosts whatsoever for that 30 mins of his ride! Ah Beng was fuming and confronted the old lady when his stop was about to come...

"为什么你讲上面危险？！哪里有危险？！"
(Why you say upstairs got danger! where got danger!?

Guess what the old lady said...

“年轻人~ 不可以上去~ 上面危险~ 上面没有司机~~~”
Young man... cannot go up... upstairs dangerous... upstairs no driver...."

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#7 Joke Sevennnnn.

There's this Malay fisherman called Sulaiman. He was a good fisherman and he sells all his goods. One day, a king named Ibrahim heard about Sulaiman's greatness and how everyone likes him. Since everyone told him to give Sulaiman something good, he did.

Ibrahim: "Sulaiman, since I heard you are a good fisherman, I am going to give you want you want." Sulaiman: Oh.. this is a hard decision...

The next day, the guard heard what Ibrahim said the day before. So he told Sulaiman:

Guard: "Give me quarter of your gift. Or else you're gonna die." Sulaiman just nodded and kept quiet. Ibrahim: "Now, tell me what you want for your gift." Sulaiman: "I want a canning." Ibrahim: "What?! WHY?" Sulaiman: "Just cane me for 60 times."

After 20 times.. Sulaiman: "STOP! I'll call the guard in." The guard happily skipped in.

Sulaiman: "He asked me for quarter of my gift. Give him the 40 more canning."

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HAHA! Sulaiman is smart la.

#8 Eighth joke.

Once there was a mother who has two daughters, named "Earth" and "Breast".
One day, Breast went missing and so, mother brought Earth with her to the Police to report this matter.
"What is the name of your lost daughter?" asked the Policemen.
"Breast." replied mother.
"How big is she?"
"Breast is bigger than Earth." said mother, pointing to Earth.
"......"

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ROFLMAO!

#9 Ninth joke.

This guy washed his shirt, but it shrunk, although there was a "No Shrink" label on it.
Guy: "Eh, I yesterday buy this shirt from you ah, the label say "No Shrink", but I wash liao then the shirt shrink, now I can't wear sia."
Manager: "Sir, the label didn't shrink, did it?"

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LOL! NO SHRINK FOR LABEL ONLY.

#10 tenth joke.

A man went to the clinic because he has been dreaming about the same thing everynight.
Man: "Doctor, please help me. Everytime i wake up, I'll feel tired and I'll sweat. Also, I'm always dreaming about a baseball match. "
Doctor: "Here, please eat this tonight. You should be alright."
Man: "Can i eat it later?"
Doctor: "Why?"
Man: "Because tonight's the final match."

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LOL!!!!!!!!!!!

#11 Eleventh joke.

Watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. "Excuse me," I said. "I can't hear."
"I should hope not," she answered. "This is a private conversation."

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Get it? LOL!

#12 Twelevth joke.

Michael, a 7-year-old boy, said that he had magical powers. His magical power was that if he stares at something for a really long time, he can see it when he puts his hand over his eye. He had that 'magical power' since he was a baby. That day, Mae, his sister, brought a guy over. It was her boyfriend.

Both of them were in the room when Michael heard something strange. They were having sex in the bedroom. So, Michael, went into the room. They didn't see, but Michael saw them naked on the bed, smooching each other. They were like 'blind' - because they didn't notice Michael.

Since they were naked, Michael decided to STARE at his sister's butt so that he can do his MAGIC. He stared, and stared. When they finishing doing their 'thing', he quickly hid under the table to prevent them from seeing him. Then, when Mae's boyfriend left, Michael quickly put his hand over his eyes.

"Michael! What are you doing? Dreaming?!"
"No... NO.. I.. I can see it.. I CAN SEE YOUR BUTT!!!"

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HAHAAHA ROFL.

#13 Thirteenth joke.

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass." "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

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HAHAHAHAHA! This is super funny it kept me laughing for so long.

#14 Fourteenth joke.

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

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Hahahahahah. Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?

#15 fifteenth joke.

A religious teacher is teaching kindergarten students...

Teacher: "So if who do good deeds will go to heaven and those who did bad will go to hell." "who wants to go to heaven?"

all the students raise their hands except one, a little girl.

Teacher: (confused) Why? Everyone wants to go to heaven.

Girl: I can't. My mother told me to go home after school.

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LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!! Awwwwwww.

#16 Sizteenth joke.

Johnson, who always shows up for work on time, comes in an hour late, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent.

"What happened to you?" his boss asks.

"I fell down two flights of stairs," Johnson answers.

"That took you a whole hour?"

#17 Seventeenth joke. (And the last.)

A man went to see the doctor.

Man: Doctor doctor, I have a problem. When I eat rice, I shit rice. When I eat meat, I shit meat. When I eat vegetables, I shit vegetables.
Doctor: Then from now on, just eat shit!

[Edit]


Chanced on this song, so classical & meaningful.

Rick Price - Heaven knows.

she's always on my mind,
from the time i wake up
'till i close my eyes
she's everywhere i go
she's all i know

though she's so far away
it's just keeps getting stronger
every day
and even now she's gone
i'm still holding on

so tell me where do i start
'cause it's breaking my heart
don't wanna let her go

chorus:
maybe my love will come back some day
only heaven knows
and maybe our hearts will find their way
only heaven knows
and all i can do is hope and pray
'cause heaven knows

my friends keep telling me
that if you really love her
you've gotta set her free
and if she returns in kind
i'll know she's mine

so tell me where do i start
'cause it's breaking my heart
don't wanna let her go

chorus

why i live in despair
'cause wide awake or dreaming
i know she's never there
and all these time i act so brave
i'm shaking inside
why does it hurt me so...

chorus

heaven knows

[/Edit]